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CROW: Hey, hey, what about me? Hey, what am I, burnt toast here?
JOEL: Oh, uh...oh. I'm sorry, Crow. And now, Crow T. Robot. CROW: Uh, uh, put my study aid up. JOEL: Uh...what? CROW: My study aid. It fell down. JOEL: Oh, okay. Alright. CROW: And-a...Cambot, cue that music please? (clears throat; cheezy synth plays "My Country 'Tis of Thee") Rutherford B. Hayes. Rutherford B. Hayes was born humbly to his own son, Rutherford B. Hayes Jr., in Delaware, while it was still Ohio, sometime after the French Revolution. Rejecting a career as a professional speller, he was admitted to the bar in 1845, though he did not drink lustfully from it. Serving heroically in the Civil War, Hayes admitted later tha it was in the army that he first tasted human flesh. In 1876, Hayes beat Bill Tilden in a three-set quarterfinal at Flushing Meadows, which caused the Electrical College to declare him President of the United States. JOEL: Uh, Crow, you just kinda threw this together, didn't you... CROW: (peeved:) Please, Joel, I'm quoting from the World Book, chapter H?! (clears throat:) Here are a few of the highlights of the administration of Rutherford B. Hayes. In 1877, Reconstruction ended, and Jacques Derrida was named Secretary of Linguistics, and the era of Deconstruction began, and continues to this day. SERVO: (doubtfully humoring:) I just don't think that... CROW: Thomas Edison invented the pornograph, beginning the age of pornography. President Hayes then passed the Hayes Act, started the Hayes Office, won fame as an American lyric tenor, and was named Archbishop of New York in 1919. GYPSY: I think he's lying! CROW: No, I'm not. (clears throat:) After he retired, he founded the original ZZ Top, with James Garfield and Chester Alan Arthur... GYPSY: (interrupting sarcastically:) Oh yeah! CROW: ...shocked the world with a publicity stunt, when, on a bet, he made a tent out of the underwear of William Howard Taft and lived inside for a full year. (SERVO hmmmphhs incredulously.) CROW: Well he did. And in later years, Hayes retired from the stage and did a series of memorable character parts in Hollywood. Who can forget the time he was slapped by Jacqueline Bisset in the 1971 Universal movie, Airport? (laughs) GYPSY: Stop! CROW: And then after inventing ringworm, Hayes died. His last words were, "I have only one life to live, let me live it as a blonde!" The end. (SERVO sighs; pause) CROW: Oh - and his blood-type was AB. The end. SERVO: Sad what the mind can do, isn't it? JOEL: Yeah-mm. I'm gonna have to hold you back a year, Crow. CROW: Cool! Can I have my same desk? (MOVIE SIGN; general confusion as usual) |